in my thoughts are restless dreams and traumas stored. please proceed with caution if you are sensitive to dark topics.







the love of family is unwavering, or so they said. blood is thicker than water, a bond so strong that not even the most violent tempests could pull it apart. if that were the case, why did my own blood betray me, twisting and thrashing in my veins? the gaze of a mother that was meant to be filled with love is nothing but hatred, a beautiful yet narcissistic parasite that latches onto my heart. the presence of a father that is absent, merely a ghost i crave to see, and the venomous, perverted words of a brother leave me questioning why. is this the bond of family? it can't be. it mustn't. family is meant to be a fortress, not a crypt, laying away my innocence and childhood to waste.



you birthed me, brought me into this cruel and unforgiving world. a mother, a healer, a saint as some would say, but you were none of those things to me. your soulless gaze pierced through me as you stuck your fingernails into my eyes, allowing a needy parasite to crawl in. this wasn't a parasite of the body, no, but of the mind. polluting and taunting every inch of my organs, feeding off of my insecurities with greed. i didn't ask to be here, to be born, to experience life, and yet you torment me as if i was your greatest sin. if i was like your sons, would you love me more? would you treasure me as you do them? to me i am your competition, your therapist, your friend. but a daughter? i could never be that. and regardless of this, of the constant trauma, pain and agony, i love you, not because you're my mother, but because i'm so disgustingly empathetic it makes me sick. will i have the strength to forgive you one day? to move past the hell you've put me through? will your parasite live on in me for the rest of my days, eating away at what's left of my heart?



i had dreams as a child, so vivid and bright. they flickered like the most ethereal star in the sky, hanging low in the onyx night to remind me they hadn't forgotten me. i believed i could do anything, be anything; that the world was mine for the taking. my imagination ran rampant, stories of horses and magic, but suddenly one day i woke up from a fuzzy dream. toys once scattered on the carpet were now replaced by my tears. those beautiful, vibrant stars i once stared at disappeared, leaving me alone in the dark. fear polluted me, its hands suffocating my helpless voice. i was alone, truly, with no one to hear me. i screamed out, but it was silent, their ears deaf to my pleas for they were too consumed with themselves.



i don't know myself. i don't know who i am. i've had to change myself so many times to please so many people, and now the authentic me is completely and utterly gone. i feel like a walking corpse, a mindless, spineless soul looking for some meaning in their life. it's truly my fault, i should've stayed true to myself. but i didn't know how. i didn't know how to be strong. i was taught to love and serve others, and now my reward for that behavior is losing myself. was it worth it? for the other people maybe. but for me, i'm not quite sure.



i wish i hadn't been so replaceable. i loved you more than i loved life itself. in all of my fear of loving, i tried just one last time for you. i took care of you, fed you, erased people i cared about for you, treasured you and showed you that your heart was worthy. without a second thought, you discarded me, erased me from your life. was two years nothing to you? do you not remember how i begged you to stay, with tears streaming down my face? i shouldn't miss you, i shouldn't be bitter, but i am. i loved you. i loved you so much. you moved on instantly, as if we never talked about getting married one day. i know in my heart it's for the best, i would've never left you. i would've tolerated the disrespect and the hurt because of my feelings for you. but i believed in you. i hoped you'd change. in the end i kept my pinky promise. you didn't.